Last night I painted my nails white
31st December 2010.
Beautiful cruise in the Pacific waters.Close family.In spite of the chilly subzero temperature I remember jumping around in a mini skirt dancing with my sister,head-deep into alcohol.
31st December 2011.
Cuddled up on my floor mattress in Bangalore in old jammies watching my favorite movie,Kung Fu Panda.All alone.Tired.Too tired to even open a can of beer from the fridge.
What happened to me? Is there such a vast difference between the 24th year and the 25th year of age? Or were my colleagues right when they teasingly said that I need to go get a life? Where did that wild crazy spirit go?
Walking through the throngs of crowd on MG road that day,I felt completely out of place.The plan was to spend the entire day without getting bored.Note that this is a rare occurrence if you work in the IT sector around here. A long quiet ride to the airport and back,exploring a new bus route,some window shopping,a nice read with heavenly ginger-honey tea,a peek inside Mathaan just for the heck of it and my only genuine “Wish you a Happy New Year” to my favorite bhelwala on Brigade Road.And a fruit dessert from Cornerhouse.To go.A quiet meal of Chinese leftovers from last night.And,silence.
Anyone who knows me,would say it sounds like an excellent day.That’s what I thought.And yet,when my granny woke me up at 12.30 to wish me asking why I wasn’t partying like they were,I felt a hint of emptiness somewhere deep within.But I laughed it off to sleep.
To be honest,I didn’t know what to think or feel of the year of 2011.Nothing gave me the reason to be elated about it getting over;neither was I sad about the same.And all around me people were so excited! I could understand the sentiment but I just could not feel it.
So I traveled back in time,trying to trace where I came from.All I wanted to do at the end of 2010 and to do badly,was to step into the real world.I looked at the little house around me with it’s stone table,with its little plants and fish and my refrigerator with food that I cooked and my washing machine with the freshly done laundry…and I thought of all the bills paid.I smiled,inwardly.I looked at my current set of experiments—-an innoculum on various substrates neatly laid in a corner of my room.This task of building a vehicular pollution bio-scrubber is proving to be tougher than I imagined.We have made progressed,sure but GAH,it takes time! I remember this guy once said to me “But Palvi,this impatience is going to kill you!”.Well,guess what, patience is proving to be equally lethal.
Amongst innumerable emails,experiment designs,writing codes,talking to scientists and CEOs of various green streams of thought,countless hours staring at the computer,trying to catch up with the family,flitting my mind between tasks and bills and breathing and loneliness…I feel sort of stuck.Like I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.Am I moving in the right direction? Am I moving,at all? The feeling reminds me of this bit of conversation from FRIENDS :
MONICA: You should feel great about yourself! You’re doing this amazing independence thing!
RACHEL: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?
PHOEBE: You are just like Jack.
RACHEL: …Jack from downstairs?
PHOEBE: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.
MONICA: Ah, the other Jack.
PHOEBE: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village..
RACHEL: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn’t love him-
PHOEBE: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.
RACHEL: But see, it was a plan. Y’know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything’s just kinda like-
PHOEBE: Floopy?
RACHEL: Yeah.
MONICA: So what, you’re not the only one. I mean, half the time we don’t know where we’re going. You’ve just gotta figure at some point it’s all gonna come together, and it’s just gonna be… un-floopy.
PHOEBE: Oh, like that’s a word.
RACHEL: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn’t come together?
MONICA: …Pheebs?
PHOEBE: Oh, well… ‘cause…. you just… I don’t like this question.
RACHEL: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don’t get magic beans? I mean, what if all we’ve got are.. beans?
Yeah.What if?
I don’t know.
What I do know,however is that the first time I ever did the “giving life a thought” thing,I had envisioned a big plain white canvas.And I had said to myself that I didn’t want a predesigned pattern.I just needed paints.Lots of them.And brushes.All kinds.And that I’d paint however I please,whenever I please,with a color that felt right at that instance.I didn’t need to worry,because,however the canvas turned out to be,it would be beautiful.And,perfect…Coz it would be mine.
So,maybe I am stuck.Maybe it is all floopy.But,I am struggling.And that counts.Like Steve Jobs said “You have to believe that somehow,the dots will connect.”
I thought of this and it seemed ridiculously fitting that on New Year’s Eve,the one special thing I did was that for the first time in my life,I painted my nails white.
